im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
