I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
