you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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