Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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