Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
