i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
