I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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