So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
