Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
