So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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