my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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