Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
