He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize