so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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