hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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