I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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