I think I won the penis lottery.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
