I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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