I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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