wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
