so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
