Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
