My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
