I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
