I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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