Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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