I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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