Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
