So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
