my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
