Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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