I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
