I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
