An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize