I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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