my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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