I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
