dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
