i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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