life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize