You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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