The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
