and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
