last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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