If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
