Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
