I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
