My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
As shirtless as possible
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
