party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
