my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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