booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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