Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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