omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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