nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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