Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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