O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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