In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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