I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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