I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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