i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize