He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
