I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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