saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
